The Wonderful World We Cant See

I've come to wonder about the entire world. About what people are around me and who I see sitting in my class, next to me at lunch, and in front of me at the library. I've even come to wonder about the people I surround myself or at least did surround myself. I've become this wallflower of sorts. I choose not to face society, even though I probably should and I feel a wall of seperation between everyone I know. I have become this still being, an unfeeling being of sorts. Relationships in my life are failing and I dont know how to mend them because I can feel myself constantly changing. I feel dropped and abandoned by almost everyone in my life lately and I dont know who's fault it is. Maybe I am the culprit. And maybe I am the one to blame. I've said it before and I will say it again, as much as things change, the more they stay the same. And maybe I do need to just move to New York and start a new life for myself. Even if that consists of me being poor, lonely, and even more abandoned than I already feel. I know everyone has their days of depression and anger and fear, but I feel like my days come all too often and I dont know how to get out of the hole I am sinking deeper and deeper into. I need a change of scenery. I need a change.

Maybe I'm just screwed.

hold me closer, tiny dancer.

It seems so funny to me, that things can change in the blink of an eye. About a month ago, I was such a different person. I struggled with everything; being myself, being a part of a family, just getting myself up and out on a daily basis. I also think its very funny that people can change your outlook on life so quickly.
I've met someone. I've met someone who makes me so insanely happy, and I don't have to worry when I'm with him. Davey is such a different person. He brings me to this point of myself, if that makes sense, that makes me want to love life. I love how I don't have to be scared to be myself or to be happy. Becuase that's a legitimate fear for me and has been for almost all of my life. I've always been so scared to be happy for fear that it would crumble before my eyes. But this time, everything just feels real. For once, reality is great. I dont have to wait until I can just go to sleep to be calm and content with my life. Becuase it seems as though lately, that I have another reason to be content with being myself and living the life I lead.
It makes me think about all the times I ended up crying in Mrs. Knapp's office about getting hurt by people repeatadly and her saying; "Therese, I promise you that something/someone great will come along and you will be blown away, becuase it will be better than any of them combined." And honestly, I never believed her. I always thought she said that to make me feel better and look to the future for reassurance and hope.
And then it happened. I met the person who blew me away and knocked me off my feet. And I can honestly say that I'm happier than I've been in a hell of a long time.

i don't see

I dont really see how things are these days. Things are blindsiding me at monumental rates, lately. And honestly, Im not complaining. I've discovered myself a new little philosophy and I'm actually really happy. Im not so concerned about what these people who are running in and out of my life are thinking of me. I plan to do one thing everyday that scares me. I feel as though life will be much more enjoyable and exciting that way.

Im becoming this new person, full of life and I honestly can say right now that life is not so bad. Meghan and I are starting to have a really good relationship again, and she is starting to be a really vital part of my life and I really love it. I have a sister again.

the world keeps going.

I started, today, to look at the blur that my life has become. I feel like I dont look around to fully appreciate what I have around me. Im always so quick to state my doubts, my insecurities, and the things I lack. I heard from someone who I really care about today, that Im going somewhere in my life and it really struck me.
It makes me wonder how someone that has known you for a week can honestly give you so much confidence in yourself to the point where you are ready to go out into the cold world and try to make something of yourself.
I try so hard to keep my head on straight in this crooked world that surrounds me. And I cant really relate anything that is going on right now to anything else. But my belief that everything happens for a reason is getting me through right now.
I feel like everything that happens to me is so very unique. None of my experiences match anyone that I know, and Im not exactly complaining.
In my life, people have come and gone. And nobody has stuck with me through my entire ordeals, sad stories, and dilemas. I find that troubling and comforting at the same time.
I looked today, at the person I was a month ago. I looked at my writing, my photography, even my style of dress. And its different. How can you change yourself so much in a month? It astounds me and makes me wonder what impacts you so much that your personality skips a beat and morphs into a whole new person.
I guess I like to keep things interesting. I like to meet new people and impact as many as possible.
So many people have tried to break me. With their thoughts, their words, and with their actions. But guess what? Im still here, and every time that they have broken me, I have come back as a stronger, better, more confident person than before.

I would just like to take a second to thank David.
David, you have really helped me unconver who I was, what I wanted to be, and what I will be someday. You are such a great person and I am proud to call you my friend. Thank you for everything, especially taking the time to listen today.

As for all you people who have fucked me over, thanks for only making me stronger.

Distortion.

EARLY AFTERNOON:

So as I spend my lunch hour sitting in this cold, quiet library filled with people I dont know or dont really care to know, I think. I think about what you are doing. I think about what you think and what you are doing. And it panics me. As the same things are constantly told to me by friends, loved ones, aquaintainces that somehow know what happened, I get angry. I dont like the fact that everyone keeps telling me everything will be fine. Because honestly, they dont know half of what happened to me this week. There is only two that do and I think thats all I plan to keep it at. People never cease to astound me. I cant help but wonder if I never let my guard down, if I never let that wall of privacy crumble, if I would now be in this multi-dimensional dilema that I now encase myself in. This just came to a completely new level. What are we, as individual beings, so in need of another person's love, commitment, or in a sense; approval?

I heard of a belief of someone that I thoguht I knew everything about the other day. And it was that they did not believe in loving at our age. This made me uneasy. Maybe we are not supposed to love and are supposed to be fully self-dependent on ourselves only to enjoy the company of others every once in a while as nothing more than that of a friend. Ive always been a believer in love. However, at the same time, what has that belief ever gotten me? The only thing I can think as positive is good writing and philosophical thinking. It makes me wonder why people act the way they do. And surprise you with their true colors so late in the game. And seriously, if you think of relationships as a game,there are no rules. There are only guidelines in which you should follow as well as common sense to make sure that in the end, both parties leave uninjured and witht the same amount of love in their hearts as when they started.

LATE AFTERNOON:
Fate always has a way of surprising me. I was in my own little world today sitting in my bland office that I work in two hours a day, staring off into space. The clanging door opened and the manotonous "How may I help you?" spilled from my mouth. I looked up to see a smiling face. As the memories hit me in the face like a brick, Robert was wrapping his arms around me swinging me around my tiny cubicle.
Its been two years since I have last seen Robert Adams. He has been in Iraq. And as I looked into the eyes of the one who used to hold my heart, I felt comfort wrap around me like a warm blanket.
When you are with someone, at the time, you see reality as distorted. And this only reminds me how things change. When Robert left me for Iraq, I was devastated. I thought a part of me would always feel slighted and or empty. Robert is getting married on April 4, and I could not be happier for him.
He was my first real anything. I realized what true feelings were with him, although I never fell in love. And as quickly and suddenly as he came into my life, he was gone. Seeing him today truly could not have been better timing. It gave me faith. It gave me hope. It gave me my reality back.
I wish that whoever reads these entries I pour myself into could see the hard copies I write on paper. There is just something so different about reading someones thoughts handwritten with pen and paper than it is reading it typed or on a flat-screen monitor. Even when I look at my own hard copy, Its obvious where there is so much thought that fills your head that you begin to write fast and sloppy so you can capture it before it is gone again. Subconciously, you write harder on the paper physically when you are passionate about it.

Everything Ive written lately has torn through the paper.

i could be so much more than this.

So as I sat there, today, wondering where I could possibly go from here, I started to think about all the positive things that could come from this. I sat there when I was supposed to be working at the office today, and I talked to my old math teacher and poured my heart out to him. He gave me many revelations that I had never quite realized about myself; about the people I surround myself with, and the world that enraptures us.
I wonder how many people truly take the time to plan out their future and don’t just fly by the seat of their pants. As a senior in high school, who is nowhere near that level and who has surpassed it years ago, I wonder where all these people will be that I come across; the people who screw with my head, the people who just confuse the hell out of me. As they come into my life and walk out of it, I feel as though I have learned something from it. And looking back, I wouldn’t change anything. I wouldn’t change the nights of restlessness, the days that enthralled me in thought, and the days when I couldn’t get myself out of bed. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Because, in the long run, I will be and have become a better person than the people who do this to me. I believe in fate. I believe that the things that happen to you now, or the decisions that you make now will impact you later on in your life. Maybe not right away, but eventually, you will want to kick your own ass for making someone feel inadequate, confused, or futile.
When these things start to happen to me, my first question is always why. But as people say that nothing is forever, what is it about love that makes it immune to that rule?
So from now on, Im making a conscience effort to make my own life better. Im no longer waiting for someone to come along to whisk me off my feet. I’m making this happen for myself. I will be successful. I will be the person I want to be and nobody can say a damn thing about it. Im taking advantage of this situation to make myself better. It may be hard, yes, but if it doesn’t happen now, it never will and I will wake up a middle-aged woman with three kids and a life I can’t recognize. I will be okay, because if I don’t tell myself that now, I will end up staying shut in. I will end up being an apathetic, pessimistic, failure for the rest of my life unless I take control of yourself when am young.
I keep reading the same song lyrics that seem to get me every time:
“so you buried all your lovers clothes and burned the letters that lover wrote, but it doesn’t make it any better, does it make it any better? And the plaster dented from your fist in the wall where you had your first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade. So this is strange. Our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all. And the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep. And breathing is a foreign task and you’re measuring your minutes by clock thats blinking eights. This is incredible, starving, insatiable, yes this is love for the first time. Well you’d like to think that you were invincible, yeah weren’t we all once before we felt loss for the first time, well this is the last time.”
This is the phase Im still stuck in. “Phone calls from further away and messages on your machine, but I don’t ever tell you this distance seems terrible. There is no need to test my heart with useless space, these roads go on forever, there’ll always be a place for you in my heart.” “ So I’ll hit the pavement, its gotta be better than waiting. And pushing you far away cause Im scared. So Ill take my chances and head on my way up there, cause turning to you is like falling in love when you’re ten.
My writing is even better when I am alone.
“I’ll wait until tomorrow, maybe you’ll feel better then. Maybe we’ll be better then. So whats another day when I cant bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you. This mood of yours is temporary. It seems worth the wait to see your smile again out of the corner of my eye. Wont be the only way you’re looking at me now.”

its haunting.

Its over.
What I thought was flawless has ended. And I cant do a damn thing about it. This makes me form a question: Are we, as humans, as intelligent humans supossed to trust?
You think that times change and people will be different from the previous. But most times, you become more and more blind from the previous. There are the smart few who take what they have learned from past relationships and try to understand what the hell they want. There is a certain point from which you cannot pass. And Im at that point. There is too much to be said right now, but at the same time, nothing at all. I've said all I can say and the situation has nothing left to be squeezed out of it. I cant really understand how one day, things can be going perfect and then the next day, things can completely change and take a turn for the worst.
I always wonder about what I could have done differently to make myself a better person, a better part of this small thing called society that is a major part of life.
There is so much to be said for the people who just dont trust at all; who just keep to themselves and dont put themselves out for people to see or rent space inside their heart. It makes me wonder what it would have been like if I never changed myself a year ago, if things would be better or worse.
I just want things to go back to the way they were at around Thanksgiving time. I was content with being alone, I was confident and happy with myself truly. And now, Im a whole mess of things that I dont know how to handle. And honestly, I dont think thats anyone's fault except my own. I made the decisions that got me to where I am today and I need to face the consequences of my choices. I just feel like I need to get away. I need to just drive so far away that I cant cross anyone's mind. I saw the person who I care so much about, that it scares me tonight and he looked genuinely not himself. And I fear that it is my fault. And I want to run away and never look back.