blurred streets.

When do you start to stop doubting? I mean, its been months and I still don't trust myself. I have a major trust issue that is not overcome and I feel like I'm in this middleground where I cant really recognize things. I'm pushing people away when in all reality, I should be clinging to these people. I feel like I'm getting my hopes too high almost. I feel almost as an outsider. I should be happy most of the time and there is most of the time an underlying conflict that makes me anything but. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. When things happen to make me upset, they make me overly upset lately and there are things that trivial still seem trivial but weigh on my mind. I wonder if anyone reads these things that I take the time to write. Im guessing that is a no. But there is always a chance that my words will impact someone out there in cyber-land.
Who knows. But when I look around at the busy people walking around these streets, what I write about seems as though it should be common. If you ever take the time to just look around at the people's expressions as they walk; its fear, stress, happiness, boredom, and my personal favorite...just truly not knowing what you feel. That is the worst of all. Not knowing how you feel makes you feel like you are completely indifferent. And when you are indifferent, most of the time, you arent happy. If things could just be the way you truly wanted them to be for five minutes, would we be honestly happier or more upset becuase we knew prefection and watched it fly away?
I'm probably just overthinking everything in my life right now and maybe not. But sometimes, I wonder why I am the way that I am and what everyone seems to see. Honestly, Im not a good person. I fuck up a lot and make decisions that one would make out of ignorance. I can't really believe one of the things I heard last night from a best friend. "I'd be lucky to end up half the person you are, Therese."
I stopped for a long time and read that and wondered why anyone would want to end up the person I was or the person I have become. I hate who I was. And I'm not extremely content with who I have become. Things seem to just stay the same as much as they change. And that scares me slightly. I love change, but thinking about it now, does anything ever really change? Or is it you that changes and your perspective? There are so many questions that have filled my head lately about life in general and the future and the fact that I will probably end up alone due to my insecurities and overthinking of life's properties. There is just something about the unknown that scares me and makes me seem standoffish to all that I come in contact with, even friends and family. My moods rapidly change and maybe its me, but I know other people have to notice it too.
I guess that felt good to get that off my mind.