the past.

august 26, 2008.

Defining the meaning of love for every person is different. It may be a combination of sappy sayings in hallmark cards or the way someone can look into your eyes and with one look, change your life. It can be the way that someone actually changes you in the blink of an eye.
Lust, on the other hand, is raw emotion. It’s one-night stands or even friends with benefits. Commonly, love can be confused with lust. “Sex should be the side effect of falling in love, not the other way around.” I heard this from someone I know who had my heart. It took a while for me to decipher what it meant and I came to the conclusion that it was saying you should be in love before you have sex. Yes, that’s true. But, what happens when your definition of love is hazy? What happens when you are in love with someone and they are in lust with you?
It’s quite a predicament. You just want to tell them that you think of them constantly and that whatever they do, they could never ever let you down. You just want to tell them that you have heard countless bad things about them but at the same time, you can’t consider the fact that their intentions may be bad. You want to tell them that your whole world can be falling down around you, but in some way, without trying or even caring, they make you feel safe. In a blur of odd faces and peculiar beings, they are all that makes you distinguish which way to go.
So you get there. You know what you need to do even if it’s not what you want to do. Now, the quandary is actually doing it. Getting over someone who you loved is the hardest thing that you can do. You try countless urban legends that “work” like picturing the person with someone else…which from experience…only makes things worse. All you have are memories that pick you up off the ground while pleading with God to let him have them and just let it work. You will think of the one you love whenever life kicks your ass. Because even though they upset you limitless times, you still want them to be happy. So most of what you want to say, and deserve to say to get you closure goes unsaid because you don’t want them to have an overbearing ordeal.
When you want to think about the bad in a person you love, all the good comes out and when you want to think about the good, all the bad comes out. We live in a world where relationships mean everything. You want to be loved. It’s understandable. You want someone there front and center to pick you up when you fall or in more literal terms, cover you with a blanket when you fall asleep on the couch.
It’s so hard to let something go when you have invested so much time in it. You have given it every possible chance to live and it wants to die and may even need to die. You wish you could just capture the good that happened with them. It’s all you think about. It’s all you dream about. It’s all you want. It makes you want to question why some things happen. You could still have the person, if you wanted to only be the lust of their life. It’s something that you have considered. But in their eyes, you would only be a quick fuck. And in yours, they would be everything else.
But there is a small word that I learned called faith. You need to have the faith in yourself that when you meet the right person and are still on the mend from the previous someone…you will realize that they could be the next person to change your life. Only you can decide who you will give your heart to. Take the time to get to know the person. Take your time to make sure that your time will not be wasted on someone who will use you for his or her own needs. Don’t rush love. Love will come in due time. Even when you think you are seeing your darkest days, you will find someone who loves you and they will arise from a busy crowd slapping you in the face showing you that who you just got over was a footnote.