Sad.

So, I realized that I'm completely ruined. The person I want to hate the most is still controlling my decisions and my mind. I'm still ready and willing begging fate to bring us together. I know I don't need him. But the feeling he gave me...in the beginning...I guess I just want it back. How messed up is that? I know his intentions are anything but good and that I should be over this stupid year-long ordeal. But every time I seem to be alone with my thoughts, they drift over back to him. The fact that he doesn't even have to try kills me. I think its the memories that hurt the most. It's in the beginning when it was nothing I had ever received. The thought of being around him makes me physically sick and to the point where I can't keep food down...and yet, my mind is drawn to his personality. I think it's the whole 'you want what you can't have' thing. You are always going to be more attracted to something that will never happen because you want to know what would have happened. Letting go completely...just deleting his number essentially him from my life seems so appealing and at the same time appalling. I physically can't do it. I have such a trust issue with people since him and he has ruined relationships that could have grown into something really great. Here is someone standing right in front of me...who treats me absolutely perfect and gives me the world and this secret I hold is tearing me apart.